NIGHTLY BRANCHES
These nightly branches
spread above me
like protecting
aching fingers,
they are always the same.
No matter what night
No matter what year
the anxiety is the same
and so are these branches
that protect my tiny skull
that protects my tiny mind,
which fails to protect me from my
monstrous thoughts.
These nightly branches
always the same
always doing their best
to protect me
from my self-harm.
Thank you.
---
MY EDUCATION
People have always been
and will always be
afraid of the Strength.
I don’t mean the kind of strength
that makes you bully others
and goes to your head,
that’s called power
and it usually is
just compensation
of weakness.
I mean the kind of strength
that lives behind your eyes
in fixed stares
Strength that does not blink
in the face of pain or abuse
the kind of strength
that goes beyond reason.
Growing up
I didn’t have that many toys
But I always had that Strength
from the second I was born.
And my teacher’s could see that.
If I had trouble in school
it usually was with teachers.
There where always those
who couldn’t see the darkness
that lurked in brightest lights
nor did they ever see the light
that smirked in my crooked smile.
The kind of people who can’t see
the suffering in straight A’s
any better than they see
the suffering in straight F’s.
They were always claiming
that I would be the next one
to commit a full-scale school shooting.
I was lucky to have
those other teachers around
the kind of people
who recognize the Strength
when they were staring it in the eye.
I was lucky to have those people
stand up for me
to protect me.
And that was my true education
to see
to learn
that some people are really fucking stupid
and some people are really bright.
Not all
but some.
---
I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME
I will always be with me
in every sunrise that burns my eyes
in every suicidal thought
in every second of doubt
I will always be with me
in the still, cold air of the winter night
in snow that falls on my head from the tree
and wrecks my speeding train of thought
in early mornings, or late nights
depends on how you want to look at them
in my silence,
in the whirlwind of blank stares
in confusion and in fear,
in brief, fleeting moments of elation
in elevating and transcending realizations
in every single detail
Yes.
I will always be with me
I will always be with me
When I die.
----
THE SHARPEST KNIFE
His bleakness
could turn off candles
His silence
could silence armies
of angry tigers
His death
could teach all the living
how to disappear completely
How to dissolve in existence
His darkness
Could dim Buddha’s shine
His crooked smile
always had the melancholy
afterglow
His tragedy was filled
with silent laughter
His knife
could cut through granite
through flesh and bone
carve out the marrow
suck it dry
suck it out of all color
all meaning
all the junk
and leave the bone
as it truly is
and you wouldn’t even notice
the cut
Yes.
Beckett sure was
and still is
the sharpest knife.
---
MIND
Things come.
Others go.
Thoughts crash into the shore.
My consciousness floats.
---
TO THE WIND
I stare at my own reflection
and try to be as honest as I can.
I look tired.
And I know this won’t last long
I’m not going to burn out.
That is not possible
for the flame inside me
is a pyre of lust and agony
a fiery tornado that rages and burns
everything.
I am not afraid of burning out
I am afraid of running out of shit to feed to the fire.
If I will go, I won’t burn out.
I will burn away, completely disappear
into my own fire
let it annihilate me completely.
Self-destruct.
I am not afraid of burning out
I just think I might be
in need of a break
at some point.
Or fuck it anyway.
Just feed me with more neglect,
rejection and loathing
And I can keep on burning it through and through forever
and spread the ashes of your darkest secrets
to the wind.
...
MY SADNESS IS A PERENNIAL FLOWER OF RUST
A friend of mine once asked
if I had considered the possibility
of being more happy
If I listened to happier music?
I told him that this sadness was in me
long before I knew there was sad music
and all the happy music made me think
all music was shit altogether.
For my sadness is a delicate flower
a perennial flower
that blooms with frightening precision
and makes me bleed inside
in solitaire confinement
behind the walls of my silence
that may never break.
But that is a lie.
My soul is rust and broken hinges
If something moves inside
you will definitely hear it
a mile away.
And the sadness corrodes the soul
chemical burns
that make it way more beautiful and more meaningful
than it ever was before.
---
ANGRY NOTES
The me of the past plays music
and I want to pat him on the shoulder
tell him that he did good.
I watch him play
and it’s like watching a stranger
completely different from you
but he knows how you feel
He knows what you know
He fears what you fear
And his guitar weeps
the same sorrow you weep.
And it gets to you in these late hours
that boy sure knows how to play death
with a guitar
and there it is,
in those few angry notes
that linger in the air
between those mellow tunes
silent,
unspoken
angry notes.
They are there
no matter if you hear them
or not.
Always there
lingering in the air
no matter how you feel
no matter what you do.
Those beautiful,
silent
angry notes.
--
THE AGE OF FEAR
The streets are burning
with fear and anxiety
television screens glare
ominously in the darkness
that our ignorance casts in the rooms.
We are all trapped inside
the closets of our own stupidity
convinced of our own insight
assured by our own wits.
We are so fucking clever
it makes me want to throw up.
Our streets are mad dogs
with dead eyes
and our whispers
are as quiet as bullhorns
and bombs
on a snowy night.
..
YOU DON'T BOTHER ME AT ALL
The people are always around
telling me how I should like them
how they know about my addictions
which happen to be theirs too
What they don’t understand is
that I don’t seek their company
I don’t want their acceptance
What you don’t understand is
I am not like you
For I do not seek happiness
outside myself
I do not seek acceptance
from crowds
I do not seek temporary ease
from drugs.
I do not seek the peace of mind
from the abundance and consumption
I do not need you
or your addictions
because I am fully content
within the solitude
inside
my own head.
I am fully satisfied
with the absence of the likes of you
You don’t bother me at all
As long as you are as far away
as you possibly can.
---
THE HAPPIEST I'LL NEVER BE
I watched bees pollinate roses
or some bush I couldn’t name
The sun was setting
the pines were bleeding
The grass was gilded
Time had stopped.
I was 5 years old
and I watched the bees
as they fulfilled their mission
as a sexual euphemism,
but that wouldn’t come to the picture
in few years time I think.
I just sat there
on the edge of the sandbox,
smelling the moist sand
And watched
until the time went on
until the sun went down
until the pines bled try
until the grass rusted
until I felt cold
and went inside
knowing that this life
would be full of confusing things
of controversial thoughts
full of joy
full of sorrow
that entangled together
in moments
just like
that.
----
